20

LDN tomorrow! I can't waitttttt. I really hope I get to see Jai and Katy I miss them so much! But not as much as I miss Covent Garden, and all the little shops at the Victoria area! London is such a dream. :)
Plus it'll give me a little time away from Singapore which is exactly what I require! I kinda miss school but still! SUMMERRR yah. I really miss Jeffrey now ahaha but when you hang out with friends, it somehow becomes easier, and I think that I can actually get through Grade 12, and I find it's best not to worry, but rather let it go and see where it takes us. This is why he said sometimes waiting is better because you're not trying to push it anywhere but you're allowing it to take it's natural course, and that's how you know you're meant to be I think!

I can't believe the school reads our blogs! I find it so scary but still I think a little privacy would be much appreciated.

I'm thinking of taking a whole load of pictures of london and making a scrap book out of it yeah? I think it would be so awesome. I wish I had a polaroid to capture all the lovely moments, but there's always next summer... and of course korea :)
So that should be all until a long long time later, where I will let myself worry about EEs and such! I wish everyone else a good summer and we can swap stories after!

maybe you were just afraid
knowing you were miles away;
from the place you needed to be
and that's right here with me.

19

Friday was a much better day for me. I didn't get my results back for history, BUT when I went to the history office to get books for my IA, Ms Holdcroft happily told me that I got a 6 for my essay on Paper 1. I was so ecstatic, but I didn't show it because most teachers were there, so I replied 'Oh really?' Happiest 'Oh really' I ever said. But we still got our psych IA's back, I really don't get why I feel so happy whenever I finished a big project, and assume I'd done really well, only to find the opposite. Thank goodness this was only the first draft! I still have time I think..

Then after I went to Jeffrey's place to discuss this imminent thing. It went quite well, and we came up with a plan, that we should break up (what contraries) and go see what else is out there. I think this is important especially for him, after all he IS in the US. I honestly think, no matter how I dislike it, that we both should go date other people, UNFAIR that he will probably do that faster than me, because people here remain the same. Regardless, however if we felt the same, we would meet a year later during my summer break. I think honestly, that that sounds like the best plan so far yet, and probably the one I most hate. Yeah okay, so we take the year to get to know other people, but I'm not as good as him in doing that, and I don't know if I should wait for him, or get on with it. And promising to meet in the summer of next year sounds so reckless, if we have not been talking. I don't know, we can iron out the kinks later. Then he showed me a song that used to remind him of me, and we got irrevocably sad. I don't know why sometimes I don't cry infront of him, when he's the only one that can comfort me.

I like blogs, in the sense where they show you what people are thinking, so here goes: I'm really grateful to lily, tomoka and shirly ( and somewhat pandit :\) for talking to me through this. I'm really the worst person to talk to when I'm upset, and I really appreciate that you guys were there for me since I don't really tell this to alot of people :)

I wonder if any of them actually will see this lol.

18

I haven't posted in ever! so much stuff has been happening, project week, my birthday and exams. Just in that one month that I didn't post, 4 little weeks my life has completely changed, because now I think I'll become more focused and prepared for everything now with sats and results coming back. Oh dear keegan, come back and tell me my english grade!

Today was leaver's assembly and Jeffrey's last day in school. I wasn't that sad, until it hit me that he would never come by my locker again, or that I wouldn't be staying back everyday in school with him in the music rooms, or going across to the HDB's for their rooftop gardens, or just bumping into him whilst walking around campus. I can't imagine what it would be like not having Friday frees without him because he's always been there, and it's like he's meant to be there, we've never missed once. Who will now walk out with me practically everyday, and wait for me during his Wednesday 5/6 frees to walk me to TOK class. I remembered Sara's post said that your half should add to your life, not complete it. It's so childish I find, that I willingly let him complete it, and now I realize that school-life from now will lose a certain part of meaning that he had always entailed. He left me a letter in my locker, ( damn everyone knows my code!), and I read his painfully adolescent scribbling that left me cross-eyed in English. It was so hard to hold back tears, because I didn't want the rest of the class to think I was crying over the book we were reading, so I stopped half way. and I couldn't read it on the bus, because Zara was with me, and I didn't want to worry her, so I ran back home to read it. The letter itself unleashed such a burden on me I wished I never read it.

I don't know what's it like to cry over something that makes me so sad, yet to know that this can only get worse, when he finally leaves the country. Cristina tells me she plans to break up with Donald before he goes, in June. They've been going out for almost 3 years, and that seems like a dynasty compared to mine. She's so strong, and I'm so envious of her resolve to end it. She told me that it's always best to end it, because it's so much better than moping around for ages, and thinking and missing them, just tear it off, like a plaster that has always belonged to you. The speed will always alleviate the pain, but how can we do that, when we belong so deeply to one another, and it's no longer a case of pulling off the band-aid, but rather leaving a part that has been so ingrained within you behind.

I'm not strong enough to end it, and not determined enough to persevere with it, so all that remains for me is to let it wilt away, which I think is the worst of both. I dislike telling this to my friends, because I feel like I burden them in the way that they need not be. It's just really complex right now, and I don't know what I want, so how to conclude? He said he'd make this forever, but such statements hold promises that are too big to keep.

Last night I fell in love without you

The stars at night aren't as big and bright

As you make them out to be

And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise

In memory of what we used to call in love

And only time will tell if violins will swellI

In memory of what we used to call in love

17

I just realized, that this ring of my friend's blogs, help me really understand what they're feeling. Because school is such a shallow thing, I guess people put up fronts, which I constantly take as their true thoughts, and that's been so silly of me. I guess with realization gained from their blogs, I could learn to treat them better. For some reason, I think I've been drifting from them, the people I knew since GCSE, but I guess this is good, because I'll get a chance to know other people, if I can be bothered. But I can't help feel slightly upset because of the lost closeness we used to have, or if there was any to begin with?

God, I'm so glad that horrific week of non-stop homework and in-class essays are over! I know, these essays are meant to help me, but it's entirely difficult to think that way at 2 in the morning, or if your handing is screaming out for mercy in class.

Yesterday was funfun, with cooking class to begin with, which was such a nice change to a weekend. Its nice to know that you're actually doing something useful, that could actually help your later life, something... productive! Especially doing it with friends, it's always nice and fun haha. Then tika's party, which was allright, then after I went to jeffrey's house. Next week is our 5 months, but I have a vague idea of what to do now. It's funny, because when I do something, I feel like I've accomplished something, even if it's small and stupid, and it makes it okay if he hasn't done anything.

My maid just notified me she had facebook.. well I guess that facebook is actually accessible to everyone then ahahahah.

15

I wanna colour up!

Today was such a good day, with no AWWA, I shouldn't be terribly happy, but I am, and I bet so is Annie ;) I think she's the happiest of us all actually. YAYY.

Ah, lunch the table was so so empty, which felt kind of weird, haha, but it was good that Jess and Tomoka could finally go home for once. Haha, I still feel anguished that we chose a social service that prevented them to go home.. but little we can do for now.

Then after school, I actually intended to buy stationary at popular at novena, because it's all been strangely disappearing, and colours help me remember! But me and shirly, after giving in the Coriander cheque for cooking classes, which starts on 28th feburary (remember remember!), and we went to Kitty Palace, my goodness the place was packed with sanrio stuff! And everything was so cute!

Thenthen went to eat korean food at the korean level of velocity! AHHHH hamsang! So yum yum. Pity there wasn't any cold noodles that I liked, but I love their ikan bilis ahah and kimchi omnomnomnonon. Shirly looked so happy with her bibimbob?? ahah so cute, and I hope her mom liked what she brought back. Ah, I can't get over how lovely the food was. We should go there again yes yes :) bibimbob sounds like such a funny name to name food. Lets go to CHANGCHANG okayy! I'm so strangely excited by food all of a sudden.

What a nice day! Except I didn't get to buy my pens..but that's all right, I'll get them in the weekend. It made me forget about all the trouble English has been giving me, but I guess it will motivate me to prove her wrong. But I really like what we're studying now, it makes so much more sense to me, like it just clicks with me, rather than stupid math.

Why did they have to talk about EEEEEE!!! It worries me now! Gah.

14

I am so angry I think i might break a wall.
I don't even know what to write!?!?!? peibwhpbiehpishfhe die.

13

Goshh, I haven't written here for so long because I forgot my password to this hahaha. BUT not alot has happened, besides chinese new year and there's something I've meant to do for tammie.
It just struck me how much I've needed her all these years, when I've never realized it till yesterday, when she had left suddenly off msn. Then it hit me, how we've been in different schools for so long, and now she's just moved to the single best junior college here ( I am so incredibly envious and proud of her), and we're really moving on in life, and I can't seem to make it stop. I remembered when we were younger ( and so much more naiive!), that we promised each other that we would go to the same university - Cambridge none the less!- and go tour France since she's loved that country for ages. And I'm just so so afraid she would forget these things and leave, living her own life. Not that she belongs to me, but with friendship that has lasted so long, I can't help but fiercely protective of it. It's not like we were best friends, ever, but it's been something I can rely on, and has helped me grow innumberably. I've told her things I wouldn't have dared to tell any of my friends now, and through that grows some sort of guided confidance we have with each other, or that I have with her anyways. Her words to me, seem to be made out of the fabric that is meant to encompass my world, and it makes me wonder why I've taken so long to tell her this.

It's so funny to think how arrogant I've been, thinking that I didn't need her as much as she needed me, and how was disillusionment occurs, and leaves you with a hole. And now watching that Flash birthday card she made me on the computer (I couldn't even pass computer sciences!), it's made me sad, because I haven't done anything as sweet for her. Moreover, sometimes I haven't talked to her for awhile, and therefore conversations get strained and left hanging, which frustrates me. So I guess I'm writing this out of a guilty and nostalgic conscience. She's always been there for me, and I know she's one of the 2 people I can fully trust. From my ex-school, besides valerie, she's the only one I have living contact with, and surely that must mean that she is something to me. However, I'm not so naive to think that she and I will be best friends, and stay in contact forever, becasue surely we have to grow up ( although she's doing that alot more than I am), but since I've failed to cherish so much of our friendship for so long, and it's only now that I realized how much she has impacted me, and I can't help but realized I love her, and as a friend, she's one of the best ones out there.

because we all could use a little hope, you know? that feeling that everything is going to be okay, and trusting there's going to be someone there to help make sure of that. - one tree hill.

Uh, well parent's teachers meetings went okay I guess, my mother embarassed me as usual, but that is expected. Haha. But I look forward to going out tomorrow with good reason!