19

Friday was a much better day for me. I didn't get my results back for history, BUT when I went to the history office to get books for my IA, Ms Holdcroft happily told me that I got a 6 for my essay on Paper 1. I was so ecstatic, but I didn't show it because most teachers were there, so I replied 'Oh really?' Happiest 'Oh really' I ever said. But we still got our psych IA's back, I really don't get why I feel so happy whenever I finished a big project, and assume I'd done really well, only to find the opposite. Thank goodness this was only the first draft! I still have time I think..

Then after I went to Jeffrey's place to discuss this imminent thing. It went quite well, and we came up with a plan, that we should break up (what contraries) and go see what else is out there. I think this is important especially for him, after all he IS in the US. I honestly think, no matter how I dislike it, that we both should go date other people, UNFAIR that he will probably do that faster than me, because people here remain the same. Regardless, however if we felt the same, we would meet a year later during my summer break. I think honestly, that that sounds like the best plan so far yet, and probably the one I most hate. Yeah okay, so we take the year to get to know other people, but I'm not as good as him in doing that, and I don't know if I should wait for him, or get on with it. And promising to meet in the summer of next year sounds so reckless, if we have not been talking. I don't know, we can iron out the kinks later. Then he showed me a song that used to remind him of me, and we got irrevocably sad. I don't know why sometimes I don't cry infront of him, when he's the only one that can comfort me.

I like blogs, in the sense where they show you what people are thinking, so here goes: I'm really grateful to lily, tomoka and shirly ( and somewhat pandit :\) for talking to me through this. I'm really the worst person to talk to when I'm upset, and I really appreciate that you guys were there for me since I don't really tell this to alot of people :)

I wonder if any of them actually will see this lol.

18

I haven't posted in ever! so much stuff has been happening, project week, my birthday and exams. Just in that one month that I didn't post, 4 little weeks my life has completely changed, because now I think I'll become more focused and prepared for everything now with sats and results coming back. Oh dear keegan, come back and tell me my english grade!

Today was leaver's assembly and Jeffrey's last day in school. I wasn't that sad, until it hit me that he would never come by my locker again, or that I wouldn't be staying back everyday in school with him in the music rooms, or going across to the HDB's for their rooftop gardens, or just bumping into him whilst walking around campus. I can't imagine what it would be like not having Friday frees without him because he's always been there, and it's like he's meant to be there, we've never missed once. Who will now walk out with me practically everyday, and wait for me during his Wednesday 5/6 frees to walk me to TOK class. I remembered Sara's post said that your half should add to your life, not complete it. It's so childish I find, that I willingly let him complete it, and now I realize that school-life from now will lose a certain part of meaning that he had always entailed. He left me a letter in my locker, ( damn everyone knows my code!), and I read his painfully adolescent scribbling that left me cross-eyed in English. It was so hard to hold back tears, because I didn't want the rest of the class to think I was crying over the book we were reading, so I stopped half way. and I couldn't read it on the bus, because Zara was with me, and I didn't want to worry her, so I ran back home to read it. The letter itself unleashed such a burden on me I wished I never read it.

I don't know what's it like to cry over something that makes me so sad, yet to know that this can only get worse, when he finally leaves the country. Cristina tells me she plans to break up with Donald before he goes, in June. They've been going out for almost 3 years, and that seems like a dynasty compared to mine. She's so strong, and I'm so envious of her resolve to end it. She told me that it's always best to end it, because it's so much better than moping around for ages, and thinking and missing them, just tear it off, like a plaster that has always belonged to you. The speed will always alleviate the pain, but how can we do that, when we belong so deeply to one another, and it's no longer a case of pulling off the band-aid, but rather leaving a part that has been so ingrained within you behind.

I'm not strong enough to end it, and not determined enough to persevere with it, so all that remains for me is to let it wilt away, which I think is the worst of both. I dislike telling this to my friends, because I feel like I burden them in the way that they need not be. It's just really complex right now, and I don't know what I want, so how to conclude? He said he'd make this forever, but such statements hold promises that are too big to keep.

Last night I fell in love without you

The stars at night aren't as big and bright

As you make them out to be

And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise

In memory of what we used to call in love

And only time will tell if violins will swellI

In memory of what we used to call in love