18

I haven't posted in ever! so much stuff has been happening, project week, my birthday and exams. Just in that one month that I didn't post, 4 little weeks my life has completely changed, because now I think I'll become more focused and prepared for everything now with sats and results coming back. Oh dear keegan, come back and tell me my english grade!

Today was leaver's assembly and Jeffrey's last day in school. I wasn't that sad, until it hit me that he would never come by my locker again, or that I wouldn't be staying back everyday in school with him in the music rooms, or going across to the HDB's for their rooftop gardens, or just bumping into him whilst walking around campus. I can't imagine what it would be like not having Friday frees without him because he's always been there, and it's like he's meant to be there, we've never missed once. Who will now walk out with me practically everyday, and wait for me during his Wednesday 5/6 frees to walk me to TOK class. I remembered Sara's post said that your half should add to your life, not complete it. It's so childish I find, that I willingly let him complete it, and now I realize that school-life from now will lose a certain part of meaning that he had always entailed. He left me a letter in my locker, ( damn everyone knows my code!), and I read his painfully adolescent scribbling that left me cross-eyed in English. It was so hard to hold back tears, because I didn't want the rest of the class to think I was crying over the book we were reading, so I stopped half way. and I couldn't read it on the bus, because Zara was with me, and I didn't want to worry her, so I ran back home to read it. The letter itself unleashed such a burden on me I wished I never read it.

I don't know what's it like to cry over something that makes me so sad, yet to know that this can only get worse, when he finally leaves the country. Cristina tells me she plans to break up with Donald before he goes, in June. They've been going out for almost 3 years, and that seems like a dynasty compared to mine. She's so strong, and I'm so envious of her resolve to end it. She told me that it's always best to end it, because it's so much better than moping around for ages, and thinking and missing them, just tear it off, like a plaster that has always belonged to you. The speed will always alleviate the pain, but how can we do that, when we belong so deeply to one another, and it's no longer a case of pulling off the band-aid, but rather leaving a part that has been so ingrained within you behind.

I'm not strong enough to end it, and not determined enough to persevere with it, so all that remains for me is to let it wilt away, which I think is the worst of both. I dislike telling this to my friends, because I feel like I burden them in the way that they need not be. It's just really complex right now, and I don't know what I want, so how to conclude? He said he'd make this forever, but such statements hold promises that are too big to keep.

Last night I fell in love without you

The stars at night aren't as big and bright

As you make them out to be

And every aching wound will cauterize and bruise

In memory of what we used to call in love

And only time will tell if violins will swellI

In memory of what we used to call in love